You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
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The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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