Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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