the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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