I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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