6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
