I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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