the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
