A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
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He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
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My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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