We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
