remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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