Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
