why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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