remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
