Actions speak louder than pants.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
