I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
