her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
