Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
