Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
