Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize