I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
