and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
