The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
