i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
