if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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