I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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