Even the bartender felt bad for me
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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