TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
