Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
