there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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