im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
