There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
