you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
