i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
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My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
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All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
How naked do you want me to be?
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