His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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