Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
