If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
