Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
