sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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