i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
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Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
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I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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