So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
