she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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