Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
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My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
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I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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