he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i barfeds in our rink
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
