Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
