Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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