Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Enjoy the penises
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
