i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
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I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
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I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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