Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
