sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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