i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
