we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
