I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
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tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
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When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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