the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
