just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
