I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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