chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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