That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
